WHY, GOD????

Those two weeks actually went by fairly fast. I tried to keep my mind off of the "what if's" and tried to stay positive. Even though I wanted everything to be ok, I knew in my heart something wasn't right. I didn't FEEL pregnant. I didn't FEEL anything. No sickness, no soreness, no twinges in my uterus, NOTHING! But even though I knew that something was wrong in my heart, I still tried to have HOPE! I have never prayed so much in my entire life then I did those two weeks. I pleaded with God and begged for ONE last miracle!

On January 4, 2010 we went in for our last ultrasound and our worst fears were confirmed! There was NO BABY! As soon as I heard those words I could feel my heart grow cold! I didn't feel sad, I felt MAD! Mad at who you might ask? I am ashamed to admit it today, but I was mad at GOD! Questions started piling up in my mind about why God would let something like this happen? Why would he give us a baby and take it away? I laid in bed that night just bawling in my husbands arms screaming at God! I didn't understand. He knew how hard we had prayed for a baby. My husband tried his best to calm me down and reassure me that God did not do this to hurt us. He said that God knows what is best for us and we just have to trust in him. But I didn't want to listen. I was angry and hurt.

That next morning my mom went with me to have my d&c done. Dustin couldn't take off work again and the next person that I would want to be there with me was my mom! She is always there to comfort me when I'm hurting and there's never a hug that can help as much as a mom's hug. The fact that I was having a d&c didn't feel real until I was lying in the hospital bed about to go into surgery. They were giving me some meds to relax me and I couldn't help but feel as if I was about to kill my baby. At that time my mom came in and we both started crying. She tried to change the subject to calm me down so she started telling me funny stories about work to make me laugh, but behind those laughs, deep down I was screaming. I was still so full of anger and hurt. The next thing I remember was waking up in the recovery room and the nurse was handing me a tissue. I still had tears streaming down my face when I woke up and I didn't even realize that I was crying. Within minutes my mom came in and we started talking about different things to get our minds off it what had just happened. The surgery wasn't bad. It wasn't very painful and I was surprised that I didn't feel much different when I woke up. I didn't realize it at the time, but God had already begun to heal my pain. He took away the emptiness that I would have felt even before I could even feel it. He was watching over me and I didn't even know it.

Note: Sorry this post is kind of jumbled. This is the hardest post that I have ever written.