Thank You For Being Such A FORGIVING God!!!!

Those next few days seem like a blur to me now. My emotions were literally all over the place. But as the week went on my anger slowly turned to sadness and then finally to guilt. Why guilt you might ask? Guilt for my lack of faith in God. I knew God wouldn't forsake me, but still I questioned his plans. I was mad at God. How could anyone not feel guilty for being mad at God?

By the time the weekend came I was ashamed of myself. I begged for God's forgiveness. I realized that God was not trying to hurt us at all. He had given us a miracle, a baby. Even though it was only for a few weeks, he answered our prayers. I could feel God's arms holding me and comforting me as I mourned for our baby. I could feel that God wanted us to trust in him and let our faith grow during this hard time in our lives. I realized that the anger I felt was the devil trying to pull me down. The devil kept me from realizing the love God was trying to show me. I didn't realize that God was already preparing me for our loss even before we heard the bad news. He kept me from fully "feeling" pregnant. He knew that those feelings would devastate me when I woke up from the surgery and they were suddenly gone, so he chose not to allow me to feel them from the beginning. I know that sounds crazy, but I truly believe God knew it would be even harder for me if I had those feelings and then lost them. Also, I realize that God blessed us with a slow prognosis. Even though the weeks were agonizing as we waited to see if our baby was going to be ok or not, he allowed us time for HIM to prepare our hearts for what was to come. He could have instantly taken our baby from us and allowed me to endure a long, drawn out miscarriage, but he didn't. He could have waited until I was farther along in my pregnancy before taking our baby back to heaven, but he knew that the emotional attachment for that long of time would break me.

Honestly, I believe God knows how much we can handle and he will NEVER give us more than we can take. He wants us to be able to trust in him when things are going good and especially when they are BAD. Dustin and I have not been through anything together that would test our faith in God, but this really did. Not so much for him, but it was a wake-up call for me. I had begun to rely on the doctors for miracles and God showed me that the doctors can't do anything without HIM!

Although this was the hardest time in our lives, I thank God for everything that happened to us now. I look back and realized that I am truly blessed. Some women don't even get a chance to become pregnant. God knew that one of my biggest fears was not being able to get pregnant and throughout all of this, he eased my fears. He showed me that HE controls everything. Even though things may not have went the way I wanted them to, God allowed me to realize that everything happens for a reason. I don't know what that reason is now, but I know that one day I will look back and see that I couldn't be where will be then, without where I have been now.

I know that God doesn't like to see us hurt and he understands our pain. He didn't hold a grudge against me for questioning him. Although I know he didn't like it, I know that he forgave me for my faults and strengthened me in my faith for him. Thank you God for being such a FORGIVING God!!!!